
Vulnerability is when we are wiling to show our true selves to others. It is our willingness to expose ourselves in spite of our fear of judgement, rejection or hurt. When we are vulnerable, we share our thoughts, desires and feelings. Being vulnerable can be scary especially if you’ve felt judged before or if you’ve been betrayed or criticized. Simply said, choosing to be vulnerable and opening yourself up can feel like you’re taking a huge risk. We know that emotional pain can hurt just as much as physical pain. There may not be outside wounds, but there are inside wounds. In my opinion, inside wounds can be harder to heal.
Everybody wants the same things, to be known, heard and loved. When we learn to be vulnerable, the quality of our relationships deepens. Learning to break down the walls around us so that we can allow others in will create a beautiful, full, rich life. Some may argue, but I will say a beautiful life is a life with meaningful relationships where we are loved and appreciated for who we are. Not for who we pretend to be.
So we’ve talked about why people struggle to be vulnerable, but I want to talk a little bit more about the why. Why is being vulnerable difficult?
Choosing to trust the other person that you are vulnerable with means that they will not judge you. It means that they will not share your information with somebody else.
Another reason why vulnerability is difficult is low self-confidence. People who do not feel good about themselves are afraid of exposing themselves.
Vulnerability can be cultural. In many cultures, exposing your emotional self can be a sign of weakness and lack of strength.
Now that we’ve touched on why it is hard to be vulnerable, how do we learn to be more vulnerable?
One of the first steps to becoming more comfortable with your own vulnerability is learning to understand yourself. Spending time alone, journaling and learning to listen to yourself are key components to getting to know yourself better.
I also want to put a plug in for life coaching. Through quality life coaching, I have made tremendous progress in getting to know myself better. I have also spent some time in therapy because life coaching and therapy are two different disciplines and they serve different functions. Through life coaching and through therapy, I have learned how to access my deepest thoughts and identify what I call my “ping.” This ping tells me when I need to hone in and listen to myself. It is often faint, but has strengthened over time as I learn to hear and understand it.
You can increase your vulnerability by loving yourself. Learn to love your flaws and your differences. For me, this leads right into shame. For so many years I hung on to shame and hid within myself and from myself. I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me, carrying deep shame around with me. Come to find out, there was nothing wrong with me. Embracing me for who I am has helped quiet that shameful inner voice that spoke so loudly to me for so many years. I listened to this voice because I didn’t know any different and it is so easy to let shame be your driving emotion. Recognizing shame and learning what to do with it will strengthen you as you learn to love every aspect of who you truly are.
Create a safe space for yourself and choose to be with others who want the same thing. Everybody has their own comfort level of vulnerability. There are different stages of growth within vulnerability. Finding supportive relationships will move you toward your own personal growth and development.
Learn to become more vulnerable by challenging your negative beliefs and self talk. I wrote about this in a previous blog post. Some thoughts are unhelpful and have no value. They do not create anything positive, they do not help you grow. You cannot hate yourself to a better you. Learn to identify and cut out the negativity in your own head.
Building emotional literacy will help you name and identify your emotions. Being able to name and identify your emotions will bring you language so that you can more clearly communicate with others and be understood.
Start small. Just like any new skill, start small and give yourself grace as you learn to do something new. Do not give up, but instead learn to build on what you have and where you are.
As I wrap up this post, do you want to become more vulnerable and what is your why. Do you like where you are or do you want a change? What is your why and do you like it?
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