Our circles of friendship

Tyson and his college friends getting in one last visit to their favorite ice cream store, Ellens, downtown Charleston

I'm just getting back from picking up my oldest son, Tyson, from college in West Virginia. He's had a wonderful experience there and graduated with his bachelors degree. He's made friends from all over the world during his time at the University of Charleston.

Reflecting back on the trip I feel such a range of emotions. I feel gratitude that he's had such a great experience there with wonderful coaches and professors. I am proud of him for his accomplishments while away at school. I feel some unrest as he leaves a well-defined academic path and moves on to some uncertainty of what is next for him. I also feel some sadness as he says goodbye to close friends who he shares so many memories with. Having done the away at college experience myself, I know he will never be as close to his college friends as he was during his time at school. This makes me sad and I did shed a few tears as I took the above picture because things will never be the same as he says goodbye to them.

Naturally, these friends who are in his inner circle of friendship will move to an outer circle and become more distant. Everybody will move on to their next chapter of life, whatever that may look like. True they may be well-wishers at lifes ceremonial milestones like weddings, and the birth of a child, and of course they'll keep in touch over social media. Maybe they'll find themselves vacationing together, but things will never be the same. This inner circle of friendship will fade and gravitate to an outer circle. And over time, I know that Tysons inner circle will replenish with new relationships, he won't be left without an inner circle. This replenishing happens to us all as we work through the milestones and chapters of life. It's inevitable as we build new relationships and as we evolve, learn and grow.

We all need close friends and intimate confidantes in life. They offer us support and connection as we build deep bonds of trust. Our inner-circle relationships are our strongest and they require the most time and energy of the rings of our relationships. Because they require the most from us, naturally we can only devote so much to these relationships. This inner ring is where our most intimate relationships are.

The next rings out from the center are more relational and collective. These ties are weaker compared to our inner circle. We spend less time with the people in these relationships and that happens naturally as we prioritize our inner circle of friends. In these outer rings are colleagues, old school buddies, neighbors or those that we reach out to during the holidays.

The simple fact is that the less time we physically spend with friends, the more likely they are to slip into our outer circles. While technology and social media have made it possible to stay connected to people, if we are not careful, technology can create lower quality relationships. Wishing a facebook friend a happy birthday is much different than an in-person birthday wish.

We are able to control, to a certain degree, who is in our intimate, inner ring. We can make choices around the design of our social lives. Of course the people that we want to be close to have to also choose us and will need to have a desire to be close to us. It has to be mutual. We can choose to invest time in those whom we want close relationships with.

An example of this is my friend Lynn from hygiene school. We both live in the Seattle area, but are about an hour apart. Once every 4-6 weeks we get together to catch up and walk and/or grab a bite to eat. We don't text much in between, but I consider Lynn a close friend. Close and intimate friendships take work and Lynn and I have to made each other a priority. We always set up our next meeting date before we say our goodbyes.

All of the circles of friendship are important and serve a need. It's impossible to have all of our relationships be close and in our intimate inner circle. Understanding the varying degrees of relationships and making intentional choices about who we foster friendships with and who is in our inner circle will help create the social life we desire and want for ourselves.