Improve your listening skills

I am an avid podcast listener.  While true crime is my absolute favorite right now, when I’m in the mood for an educational podcast, one of the podcasts I enjoy is Leah Davidsons “Building Resilience” podcast. I came across an older episode titled, “Improve Your Listening Skills” and I wanted to share some personal highlights from this episode.

Gary Whited said, “We listen with our eyes, our minds, our hearts, our touch.”

We spend 70% of our time communicating compared to 30% of our time not communicating. And of that 70%, we spend 9% of that time writing, 16% of that time reading, 30% of that time speaking and 45% of that time listening.

Leah then goes on to explain why we listen.  We listen to obtain information, to understand and for enjoyment.  We also listen to learn and to build relationships.  Listening helps resolve conflict and improve accuracy, build friendships, careers, etc.

We can listen with sympathetic ears, therapeutic ears, nonjudgmental ears, and biased ears.

Leah talks about barriers to good listening and she lists several that I want to touch on.

What are the things that interfere with good listening?  We can be distracted by things happening around us, like when you are in a loud room.  Things happening inside of us, can distract us like our thoughts tor other emotional noise that we may be preoccupied with.  Or maybe we have an agenda for how the conversation is or was supposed to go and things have taken a turn.  Sometimes we are so focused on formulating our response, we tune out.  Another barrier to listening is that we might not be feeling grounded or maybe we feel like we’ve already heard what the person is saying.

Stephen Covey was an influential speaker and author many years ago.  One of his more popular books, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” was originally written in 1989.  Despite the years, his teaching are timeless. I found myself thumbing through this book not too long ago, wanting to re-familiarize myself of his practices.

Stephen Covey talks about four typical listening responses. The first one is that we just ignore what is being said.  The second is what he called pretend listening which is what is says, you’re just pretending to listen.  Sometimes pretend listening goes along with the “yeah, yeah, uh huh…” type responses.  The third kind of listening is selective listening where you’re only hearing what you want to hear.  And the fourth type of listening is attentive listening where you’re truly listening to the words and the meaning behind what is being said.

When you are actively listening, you are being attentive to the speaker and are taking in not just what is being said, but are absorbing their complete message. You are engaged. This can also be called empathetic listening.  When we are listening empathetically, you are trying to understand their world. This kind of listening can happen even if you do not agree or approve of what the speaker is saying.  Really listening is a full body activity.  Are you reflecting back that you are listening?

When people feel relaxed and heard themselves, they are more likely to hear what you have to say.  Being a good listener improves the quality of our relationships and our connection with others.

How do you actively listen?  The first thing to ask yourself, am I able to fully listen right now.  Evaluate your capacity to fully engage which includes taking note of your environment.  Is the environment conducive to the type of conversation you’re about to have. You will want to have no distractions and which may mean changing locations.

My 20-year old son likes to come home from work and give me a complete run down of his day.  I hear about his co-workers, the latest workplace gossip, the inside jokes, how his buddy’s family is doing, etc.  Sometimes I struggle with this because I am cooking dinner or in the middle of something.  Often times I say to him, I am listening to you, but I have to keep stirring dinner.  There is nothing wrong with saying this and I actually think it’s respectful and polite to let the other person know that you are listening, but that you are also in the middle of something.  If this were a different kind of conversation where he needed my undivided attention, I would tell him we would need to find another time because I am not able to fully listen to him.

Notice the other persons body language and non-verbal cues.  Eye contact is great, but sometimes sitting side by side when you’re having hard conversations work better.  You are listening to the essence of the speaker’s thoughts.  You’re seeking an overall understanding of what the speaker is trying to communicate.  You are listening without judgement.

Natural pauses in the conversation can be a great time to clarify what is being communicated.  Nod occasionally, smile or use other facial expressions.  Leaning forward shows them you are really interested in what they are saying.  Follow with your ears as well as your eyes because a blank face and no signs of listening can be really off-putting and can send the wrong message.

Give the speaker time and space for what they have to say.  Silence is OK, it gives the speaker time for thinking and processing.

Paraphrase back to them what you’ve heard them say.  Ask questions to gain clarity and understand.

Something great that my sister has taught me in her parenting is to ask, do you want advice or do you just want me to listen?  I love this because it really clarifies what the other person wants from your time together.  As a listener you are able to focus on whatever it is they want from you.

If you are in a highly emotional conversation, learning to practice some deep breathing will keep you focused and grounded.  There is no need to be drawn into anybody’s drama or problems, but you can express empathy.

I hope I’ve drawn out some valuable pieces of Leah’s podcast.  If you’d like to listen to the complete podcast, it can be found by clicking here.